well...
10:25 pm - April 11, 2004

I guess I'm not quite done with this journal after all. I feel like I have this impossible to-do list, all with very firm deadlines that I feel will be impossible to meet when the time comes:

1) Make college decision (gah)

2) Study for IB tests (gah)

3) Find (paying) job for summer

4) Write song for Springtasia one-acts (said song is in head but will not commit itself to paper)

5) Write both history papers

And on top of all that, there is the disappointing news that while they did get all the cancer during my mom's surgery, they have to still do chemotherapy, which we didn't think would happen. And my dad doesn't have a job, still. I feel so guilty and dirty writing about these things to colleges, hoping to milk more money out of them. These things that are hurting my family, and I'm telling them to faceless admission officers so that they can root around for more funds.

Home is fine...I guess.

It's not fun, but it's not dull.

I sometimes feel like my life isn't empty,

but it sure isn't full.

Music's neat...I guess.

It's going, but it's still here.

And I know that my life hasn't reached a peak,

but it's only been a year.

And I know if I give all my heart

that I'll have nothing to fear.

I'm not here, but I'm not gone.

I don't accept, but I don't belong.

I'm not with, but I'm not alone.

I know people, but I'm not well known.

I feel o.k....I guess.

I'm not ashamed, but I'm not proud.

And I know what I feel and I want

to stand up and scream it aloud.

The thing is, I have these hopes and dreams, and passions and fears, and wants and needs, and I feel like they get swept away so often by ones who are more vibrant, more vocal than I am. They leave me clutching at their amber scents and pretty laughter as they speed by me and I am left to feel disqualified and worthless because mine are not the same.

Sometimes I feel like I just can't spread myself out like I need to. Like there's too much emotion in one area and not nearly enough in another.