this bitter pill
10:57 pm - January 17, 2004

I think the problem is that I'm tired of feeling incomplete. When I'm with friends or family, people who I love and who love me, I feel so near to being the best person I can be. When I'm laughing, smiling, hugging, and just being, it feels so close. But it's never all the way there. I'm never whole. What does that say about me? I truly meant it last night, and I still do, when I said that I don't fault you, any of you reading this, for wanting to be close, to touch, to be the couple that you are, or at least that is a part of you and who you are.

I wouldn't ask you to stop on my account and I think I'd be doing the same if I had someone. But the fact of the matter is that I don't, and that's so hard. It's so easy, once you have someone, to just say, "It will happen". And that's easy to believe, but it doesn't make much of a difference in the here and now. I still want a thousand million things, if I tried to make a list it would never be complete. And I don't want to start listing them now, because that makes the hurt all the more brilliant. Kelsi says I haven't had time to have a bad track record with guys because our lives are so short at this point but I disagree, wow do I disagree, sorry Kels, lalu, but I sure as hell have had a bad track record. What else would you call it, when anything I've ever even tried with a guy has failed pretty miserably?

Maybe if I were stronger, better somehow, this wouldn't hurt quite so badly. I wouldn't be doubting myself, wondering what no one has told me about myself that is such a huge fault that I've never experienced what my friends are feeling. God, all of you so happy, and not complete just because of the guys, but because of everything, or maybe not complete at all. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.