i'm sorry for wanting more
1:48 pm - December 30, 2003

did you need me

well, I'll never know

I'm sorry for clinging

I'm sorry for wanting more

my heart was there for you pounding down your door

maybe it was timing

maybe I was too much

running behind you

pushing my love

-- "Winter", eastmountainsouth

^Pretty song.

God, I feel absolutely boy-crazed, not really a good feeling. Every guy I pass has me thinking and wondering about him. Talking to my dad yesterday, he was telling me what's new with a family friend of ours, Christopher. Which got me remembering that Christopher has a cute, funny, nice son named Sam who is 20 now. Which got me wondering if there was any way I could arrange to bump into/see Sam. Which of course led me to thinking about what a relationship with Sam would be like. And this all sounds stupid in my head and on paper, and would sound even more stupid if I said it aloud. I think that's why I keep this journal. Because sometimes I want people to know what's going on in my head, but it sounds too stupid to say aloud. Anyway back to the boy thing. I saw Jay's screen name online last night, and that, coupled with the talking I did about him at Emili's house on Saturday night, got me thinking about him, which is never good. I do think I'm over him, it's just remembering.

I'm so tired of all of this. When I see friends with their boyfriends, I feel inferior for not having someone, but I don't actually see myself as inferior, as less than they are because I don't have a boyfriend. Does that make sense? Probably not. Oh well.