when it comes to loving me he's worst
4:32 pm - December 26, 2003

Christmas was really nice, unexpectedly so. With my mom sick and grumpy and financial issues weighing down on us I wasn't expecting anything great. But the day was really nice. Very family-oriented and fun, I felt very in the spirit. I got a gorgeous huge Johnny Depp poster, and books, and music, and an awesome new sound system for the computer.

On Christmas Eve we had the family over. I was sitting on the couch with 2 of my cousins and my aunt. We were laughing about phases her kids are going through/went through and she asked me why I never really went through any phases. She said, "You're so normal that you're actually abnormal." And I thought about it, and she's right. I really like the person I am, my personality and beliefs etc. Is it just natural, that I'm happy and well-adjusted? Did my parents raise me in a certain way? When I have children I want them to feel about their lives the way I feel about mine. I want to be able to talk with them and to be proud of them for all the good things they've done. I don't want to have to worry about them, or deal with drugs and alcohol. I want to love their friends like my parents love my friends. I wonder why I am, the way I am. Probably a mixture of a thousand different things.

I miss Bryan. I never used to understand how women whose boyfriends/husbands abused them could still want them, but now I understand better. And it's trivial and stupid to compare what happened between us to real domestic and emotional abuse but it's the same principle. The other night I told Brenna I didn't think I'd date him now because I'd feel like a second choice, but I don't know if I would really be strong to say no. It was almost a year! I miss the nights when I went to sleep smiling after I got an e-mail from him. I miss laughing at the things he said. I miss discovering new things about him. I miss the daydreams I used to have about him/us.

It's so wrong to be so jealous of the happiness my friends have found, but I can't help it.