it's more than i can handle
7:05 pm - December 01, 2003

All of the initial anger is gone, now there's only sadness and a sense of emptiness. I can laugh and smile but it doesn't feel real. It wasn't love but it was something and now it's gone. Yesterday as we drove through downtown I felt pangs of loss for the fantasies I had for this year. I wanted a hand to hold walking under the trees with lights, someone to hope for snow with, someone who would kiss me even if there wasn't any mistletoe. When is it my turn?

Now they're fighting and screaming and I want to be anywhere but here, and at the same time I can't leave because I have too much to do. All of this utter shit that comes along with college applications, stress I don't need and things I don't know how to go about doing. Do I ask for all of the letters of recommendation now, even though I don't know if my other schools require just a letter, or if there's a form? Do I tell them to mail the letters separately or put them in the big envelope of my stuff? Who should I ask? Who won't guilt trip me because I'm cutting it close? So many things to worry about, and all of them, I don't care, I just don't fucking care.