to feel beautiful in this skin
9:42 pm - November 21, 2003

Why do I base my self-worth on how I look, and how other people say I look? Why is extra skin, extra body, extra me, ugly to me and most of society at large? Why is it easy for friends and family to see through the outside and see what's inside? As far as I know, I don't have any serious personality defects. Please tell me if I do. I've been doing just fine without a boyfriend but I feel this weird pull now. It's like my biological clock is going off early, except I don't want a baby. I just want someone who loves me, who will hold me and be amazed by me. I thought I had found that person. And I still can't bring myself to call him a loser, even though I haven't heard from him in a long time. I didn't throw away almost eight years of friendship because of a rough spot, and I don't want to throw away this year of friendship because of this...uncertainty. The offers to e-mail/IM him and chew him out are sweet but not what I want. I know you're just trying to help by telling me he's a loser, and a jerk, but I have to believe he's not, and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt until there's certainty in this issue. Can you understand that? It's not so easy to brush this off. Yes, I'm hurt, yes, I'm confused, yes, I want answers. Yes to all of that. But no to giving up on it before I know the whole story, okay?

Why does everything have to be so hard? I'm sick tonight and all I really want is someone who loves me and who I love here with me, stroking my hair, and just here. Nowhere else, with no one else, and not doing anything else. I don't need tears. I feel this odd desperation that isn't logical in the slightest. Where do I turn?