i have covered every range of emotion
9:25 pm - November 11, 2003

What a day. If I've felt any lack of emotion for the past few days or weeks or whatever, today was definitely compensation.

I met Bryan. Saying that sounds so strange! As long as I've been talking to him, I've been waiting to meet him, and I finally did. Was it comfortable? Not at first. Was it awkward? Hell yes. But it got better, or at least it did for me. Now I'm hiding out on my alternate screen name that I don't think he knows because I'm a chicken and I'm scared to talk to him. I had a good time today and I want to do something again. But I don't want to have to know if he doesn't, or if he didn't like me. Especially not in real time. E-mail I can handle. In e-mail, I can make myself coherent and composed as opposed to gushy and stupid. I want this to work so badly. A lot of his family is going to be out of town for Thanksgiving. I want to bring him to my aunt's house and introduce him as my boyfriend and hold his hand and be able to look over at him and know he's there, that he's real. Jesus, he's real. All these 11 months I've spent trying to convince myself and everyone else that he is real, and he really is. How surreal.

Um. Now I am being instant messaged by strange screen names. One of them seems to be friends with Bryan:

Him: So whats cookin good lookin

Him: How is that bacon shakin?

Him: You could have a rump roast in the oven..But id take the butcher home for supper

Him: Just answer me who this is..And i wont message you anymore

Me: Katie...who are you?

Him: Cory

Him: I go to parkrose you know

Him: You want me to stop messaging you? I will stop if you want me to

Me: I'm just confused...have you talked to this screen name before or something?

Him: Well my friend was messaged by you..And they wanted to know who this was. I didnt mean to bother you or anything

Me: That's okay

Him: Do you go to parkrose Katie?

Me: No, I don't

I'm so confused. I'm on this alternate screen name that I don't think I've ever used to IM Bryan. The only thing is...he has a subprofile like I do, where you can sign guestbooks in the IM profile and stuff, and I might have signed it under this screen name once. But I signed my name with the entry...it wasn't anonymous or anything. This is really weird.

Okay back to the day. I basically have permission to do whatever I want with Bryan. I can give him my phone number, address, date him, whatever. All this freedom is bizarre.

I loved Linfield. When I started this whole college search, I thought I wanted a college that was on the bigger size...but I realized when I got to Linfield that it's such a good fit for me. I just loved it there. Only problem is money, of course. The root of all evil! Almost 30,000 a year-- crazy.

I just feel kind of overwhelmed right now. Anxiety while waiting for Bryan, sadness and embarassment when I thought he wasn't going to show (he was 10 minutes late because he got lost), elation when he walked through the door, warm fuzzies (is that a feeling?) when I hugged him, awkwardness when I talked to him, freedom and happiness on the way home, hyper/squealy when I saw Emili and Kelsi, joy and happiness at Linfield, frustration doing homework, and relaxation now.

Man...big day.