now would you mind if i bared my soul?
8:35 pm - October 01, 2003

Where to start? Today I had so many thoughts swimming through my head and promised myself I'd explore them here tonight but now faced with this nearly empty white box and blinking cursor, everything is a jumbled mess.

Do I sound like myself in this journal? I was thinking about that today, wondering whether I come across as myself in e-mails and this journal.

Today I thought about college quite a bit. I thought about how in a year, we will be there and I wondered who I'd see, and who I'd never speak to again, and started crying. Even the ones I am not close to, I will miss you. Even our superficial small talk touches me and I can't envision my day without it. I thought about next holiday break for some reason and thought how'd we'd all be coming back, and how weird it would be. How is this happening? Where did all the time go?

This past weekend was so much delirious fun, I still smile whenever I think about it. The retreat was awesome, "supreme bondage" and just lots of fun all around. Then The Coats, god there are no words! All I can describe is the rising feeling in my throat I got then and still get now when I think about it, not sure whether I want to laugh or cry because it was just so amazing. That gym was my kind of place, people in awe together over the talent of four men, with my girlies, tears in my eyes, a smile on my lips....how is something so simple, yet so beautiful? Just four men singing and goofing around with each other and it has this much effect on my life. Amazing.

Why does music have such an effect on us? Why, when we hear some songs, do we choke up? I mean, I know why, but if you think about it, it's just so weirdly beautiful.

The other day I walked into the choir room, there were 2 girls blasting "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, singing along quietly, swaying, lost and drowning in it...and I found myself ridiculing them inside my head. Then I stopped and realized I do the same thing. I wondered why I was making fun of them and realized it was because I was with other people, and I didn't want to let on that I do it too. Why? That's what I hate about when people ask you what you're listening to on your CD player, and that kind of thing...that quick flash of judgement, pitying/condescending/mocking in their eyes before they say "Oh....that's cool." I hate that. Why do we judge based on music? It's personal taste, you can't help it even if you want to. What makes us cry and laugh and smile, what makes us feel, why is it bad just because it's mainstream? People are so anxious to be different, to be anything but ordinary. Why? Maybe I don't mean that, I can understand why even if I don't feel the same way. What I mean is, why are we so quick to judge? Why should it matter to someone if we like Britney Spears, or if we love mindless TV shows. I just don't understand. I don't mock. I appreciate all forms of music, movies, TV, literature, etc. I may not like it but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate it or have respect for the people who like it. This seems like common courtesy to me.

I want to be overcome. I want to succumb, surrender, breathe someone else's breath and feel surrounded by someone else's presence. I want thousands of kisses, so many I can't keep count anymore. I want hands in my hands and eyes trained on me. I want love, I want something complete and balanced and real. I want laughter and understanding and tears in my eyes because I feel so lucky, so blessed, so thankful.

I want to know where this thing with Bryan is going and I know everyone's sick of this, of me whining about it. I know because you tell me to just take a step toward him, call him, ask him out. Well if it was that simple, don't you think I would have done it? We barely get the chance to talk at all, let alone talk about where we could be going.

Life seems to be moving so slowly, doesn't it? But I know that June will be here any day now. What then? What comes next?