starting all over again?
1:08 am - August 30, 2003

I'm considering either locking this journal or just severing all ties and starting a new one, and this time, not linking anyone, or giving the address/name out. I feel like there are things that need to be said to make this a real journal, to make it honest and truthful and heartfelt, but that those things can't be said without damaging the feelings of people I care about.

If I could be sure that people would take what I say with a grain of salt, if I could be sure that they would believe it's usually just the heat of the moment that leads me to say the things I want to say, and that I'm not harboring those feelings on a regular basis...that would be different. But that's not human nature. Things, both good and bad, stay with people and there's really no way to avoid that. I don't want to hurt but I need to be honest.

There's some sort of almost perverse pleasure in a public journal like this-- you can engineer your entries to say anything you want to say without worrying about keeping a straight face or not breaking down into tears. You can make vague comments and almost anticipate the reactions of people reading them-- "Is that me? Is that me who she's talking about?" And you never really have to answer.

Tonight on the way home, I was staring out the window, envisioning angry conversations that I might have if I had the courage and stamina to hold my point. I was envisioning ways I could break down and cry, curling up in bed, falling to the floor just inside the house. All so dramatic but so important to be able to imagine. It's some kind of outlet for feelings I don't like to let out. But most of all, I was envisioning a lap I could lay my head in, and cry, or laugh, or just think, or maybe just hide for a little while.

If our imaginations reigned freely, the world would be chaos, but sometimes it seems like that's the better solution...