and we'll name our fears
8:36 pm - August 13, 2003

"Carry This Picture", Dashboard Confessional (off the new CD...it's pretty good)

My fears? There are so many small ones that I can't even name until they are upon me and I freeze up and don't know what to say. I am afraid of being alone like most people, but this fear doesn't seem to hold up, because I love being alone, by myself in my house, doing absolutely nothing and not having anyone around to call me lazy or unproductive or anti-social. I don't like being in big groups, I find myself with less and less ability to function in group settings. I know this doesn't mesh with my friends and it makes it difficult. Give me one on one time or two or three people and I will give you my attention, my laughter, my smiles, my words and feelings and thoughts.

I'm afraid that what I'm doing now won't be enough in the future, and I'm afraid to change it because I like the way things are. Take science and math next year? I balk at the thought, why would I when I don't have to? But at night when I have nothing but my thoughts I stare at the moon and wonder if what I'm doing now will get me where I want to go.

I'm afraid that I don't know what I want or who I am like I think I do. I'm afraid I've buried my doubts so far beneath the surface that I'll never discover them until it's too late.

I'm afraid of my body, but moreso what I feel like it limits me from doing. I'm afraid that I waste time, that if I had committed myself to running every day and doing sculpting exercises three months ago, I would be closer to my goals now.

I'm afraid of the change that is surrounding me, affecting everyone else but myself. Afraid that just because I haven't found my own change yet, if it's even out there, I will be left in the dust for new and more exciting things.

I'm afraid of climbing brick walls to clamber onto school roofs...don't make me try to do it again, please? I don't want to, and I didn't then.

I'm afraid that I want something entirely different than what the people around me want. I want normalcy, tradition. I want to get married and have kids and a good job and a nice house. I want a sitcom life where everything is okay and even if it's not, there's faith that it could be. I want trips to the movie theater, the mall, downtown, Hawthorne. I don't want to sleep in the park or spend days away from my house and my bed and my family.

Most of all though, I'm afraid that no one will understand this...or understand me.