i'm not here, but i'm not gone
8:59 pm - June 30, 2003

The title comes from "Indifference" by Jessica Riddle, it's like my anthem right now. Do me and yourself a favor and buy her CD, it's called "Key of a minor", she also has an 2nd indie CD which is harder to find. Lyrics here:

Home is fine...I guess.

It's not fun, but it's not dull.

I sometimes feel like my life isn't empty,

but it sure isn't full.

Music's neat...I guess.

It's going, but it's still here.

And I know what I want and I see it there, and it's anything but near.

And I know if I give all my heart

that I'll have nothing to fear.

I'm not here, but I'm not gone.

I don't accept, but I don't belong.

I'm not with, but I'm not alone.

I know people, but I'm not well known.

I feel o.k....I guess.

I'm not ashamed, but I'm not proud.

And I know what I feel and I want

to stand up and scream it aloud.

Life's alright...I guess.

It's not short, but it's not long.

I sit around and I know I should

do what's right and avoid what is wrong.

And I hope I can make everything o.k.,

but you might hate this song.

I'm not here, but I'm not gone.

I don't accept, but I don't belong.

I'm not with, but I'm not alone.

I know people, but I'm not well known.

Maybe I'm strong, maybe I'm colder.

I still see the world like a newborn child.

And maybe I'll understand it better when I'm older.

Maybe not...maybe not.

Indifference is the word for what I feel I suppose, nothing matters and nothing affects me. I've never felt more neutral in my life. I don't know whether it's because I'm bored or because I have so many emotions racing through my head that they turned into neutrality.

I'm so glad for Jenny, glad that she found a boy who will describe their friendship/relationship as magic. It's wonderful for her. Six weeks seems like such a very long time, and I miss Emily K as well, and Emily S.

Yesterday my mom got upset with me about almost using bread that we were supposed to have for dinner, and as I put it away and got the other bread out, something broke inside. I ran outside, sat in the hammock and stared up at the blue sky and reservoir and cried, great gulps and sobs that went on for a long time. When I thought I was done, I went back inside. My mom came in to the kitchen to apologize and said "Have you been crying?" and I started again. She asked what I would have done differently with the Jenny situation and I said "nothing", because I feel like I did everything I could short of losing all dignity/pride and bawling at her to be my friend again.

Should I have done that? Would that have been the mark of a true friendship? Maybe so.