are you thinking of me too
10:55 pm - May 16, 2003

Listening to: "Thinking Of You" by Selena

Sometimes I fall asleep with my hand beside me, resting on my mattress but imagining it's instead resting on a man's chest. I can almost feel the rise and fall, the breath and life under my fingers. Other times I lay there, cold and feeling empty even though I know I am not empty, and there's no one there, not even in my mind.

Bryan is online right now, I could so easily IM him, we could spend hours talking, and who knows where we would end up. Can't explain it, but I won't IM him, somehow I don't have enough energy to face the possibilities a conversation could unlock. So instead I'll stare at his screen name, willing him to IM me instead. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there is some kind of logic in this. It's stupid, I know.

My aunt moved out of her house today into a rental house. She'll never be able to buy a house again. Her credit has been completely destroyed. How would that feel? To have your life limited by people who don't know you, people who don't know your stress, your family, your life. At the same time that I feel sorry for her, I feel so much anger that she let her life spin out of control like this. It's not only her life she's messed up, she has 5 kids who have seen this happen. Her ultrasound came back fine, as far as we can tell things are okay. Her doctor might want to do more tests. She says she'll refuse. Who knows.

I'm going to go to bed now. I wonder which kind of night it will be tonight. Will I feel something, or feel nothing?