the last three years were just pretend
7:20 pm - April 29, 2003

Listening to: "Friends" on TV

Suddenly scared out of my mind about the impending end of the school year. People are planting fear in my head; where there wasn't fear before, there is now. We had a meeting about dresses for Dairz today at lunch and I found myself looking around wondering where the seniors were. Then, I realized that we are the seniors, or at least very soon will be. How scary. Next year at this time I will know where I want to go to college, and in five years...it will be time to know what I want to do with my future, my life. I can't imagine it. I'm scared of college, scared of a job, scared, surprisingly, not of marriage itself, but of finding someone who wants to marry me. I don't want divorce, I want love that will wrap around me in the night and travel with me during the day. I want a best friend and a lover all wrapped in one.

I wish I could have these three years back, or five years, or come to think of it, my whole life. So many things I would do differently. They're not regrets, just changes I would have made. I would have lost this weight sooner, instead of scrambling to do it to prove something to people that in all honestly, I don't need to prove anything to. I would have told Jay how I really felt, maybe even acted on it. Would have been braver, smarter, funnier, kinder. I would have stayed friends with people like Cassie and Krystal, one of whom is gone forever. So many paths, and I'm willing to bet that not one of them would have led to where I am now. I wonder about fate when I think about that; what happens to my other paths? The ones that I didn't take, that I'm not taking, that I'll never take. Probably nothing, but it's odd to think about.

I know that some of my friends are hurting, are bending under the stress, but I don't know how to help them, or even if they want my help, or can be helped. Please. If I can help you, tell me! Whether you just want a hug or a study friend, or someone to talk to or rent movies and eat ice cream with. I'm here for you, I always have been. All you have to do is ask.