i sometimes feel like my life isn't empty, but it sure isn't full...and i know what i want and i see it there and it's anything but near
9:33 pm - April 22, 2003

I'm listening to: "Indifference" by Jessica Riddle (great song)

Yesterday afternoon my dad was going through his old audio tapes and he found a copy of my parents' wedding. We listened to it and it was bizarre. His voice still had a Philly accent and my mom's was younger, untainted by coughing fits. They had a hippie wedding in the backyard of my grandmother's old house with my cousin (then 1, now in her mid-20s) throwing apples at everyone and laughing. A Unitarian minister married them. They put a message on tape to the family back in Philly who couldn't make it and sounded blissfully happy, the kind of glowing happy I can only imagine you get on your honeymoon. What happened to that? Now my mom yells at him for opening a baguette that was supposed to be part of dinner. My house is not a broken home, I'm not stupid or naive enough to think it is. But it's so hurtful sometimes to be caught in the middle of their petty agruments. What happens? Is it just the wear and tear of life? Is it something I can avoid?

Today I went shopping for Emily's birthday present (won't say what I got because I know she reads this). But it was something of the sort I had seen around school that a lot of people had, and I didn't know where to find it. My dad said I should ask a guy; that it would give me a good chance to strike up a conversation. I laughed it off and said, "Trying to set me up?" He didn't take it any further but I wished he would. That's been happening more and more lately. They bring up guys off-handedly, not really meaning anything by it, and I try to provoke them into asking me why I don't date, just so I'll have an open door to tell them about Bryan. Maybe I just have to accept that there is no graceful way to do this, that I may just have to come and say it. Lovely.

Scenario One: Hi guys. How was work? By the way, I met this guy on the Internet a few months ago and we want to meet in real life now. What do you think about that?

Scenario Two: Hey, Dad, what do you think about me dating? It's okay? Cool, let me go meet this guy I met on the Internet, okay?

And so it goes. I'm probably being stupid and over-dramatizing this whole situation but I still feel trapped, like anything I say could be used against me. I want to say, "Give me a chance, let me make my own damn mistakes. Don't be afraid."

But I am afraid. I'm afraid that we'll meet and he'll be repulsed by my appearance. And that would be worse than if some random guy I just met in real life rejected me, because Bryan knows me, knows my personality, knows who I am, and if he couldn't see through the fat and the sloppy clothes and take me for who I am, who could? It's depressing for me to think about and that's what makes me think I need to change. I'm mature enough to admit that I'm lazy, that I don't eat the way I should or go out and run like I should to get the results I want but what so many people don't realize is that it's so hard to get out of this rut. It's like depression, you just sink in further and further until it feels almost comfortable, and you can't remember where you came from in the first place. I could do Dragonboats, sure, or track, or any other sport. But it's humiliating, to have people watch you, to have their eyes on you, watching for that moment when you'll slip and fall, or trip, or make a fool out of yourself. No, I stick to my semi-plan of walking or jogging every day and trying to eat better. I have these fantasies, dreams, goals, wishes of being thin and beautiful and making every guy who never looked at me turn his head. I can picture that me inside my head-- confident, agressive, funny, sweet, determined. I'd like to believe she's hiding somewhere, waiting for me to find her. And I'm disgusted completely with myself for saying this, but I'm lazy. I hate it when people use that for an excuse. And here I am.