my ramblings while watching american idol
8:33 pm - April 08, 2003

Choir tour was this weekend. I had a lot of fun, and in fact I wish I was still there. It was such a nice environment, especially on the bus. Anyone talking to anyone without worries about different groups, random singing of every different style of song out there. Mr. Peter's doofy attempts to be like a high school kid..."blow by blow"...oh boy. I kept finding myself looking around on the bus and noticing all the couples, so comfortable with each other and always touching. Worst part was my little accident on the stage at Curtis High--there were areas where the stage didn't quite come together and I accidentally fell through the stage with one leg in the hole. The entire side of my thigh is one big bruise. Surprisingly, not too many people saw it happen, which was good, at least.

Feeling kind of exasperated with some of my friends. I say I'm stressed and exhausted and sick and they say, "Me, too." And then I feel guilty and we end up talking about them. This sounds petty and self-centered but I feel like I'm the one taking care of everyone and everything most of the time. I realize I don't have as many committments as many of them do, but does that mean my stress level can't be as high? Different people handle stress differently, and I tend to break down and cry a lot.

My aunt found out this week that she is severely anemic and has massive internal bleeding. They thought it was colon cancer. It's not, but they still don't know, which means it could be just about any damn thing. I'm trying not to be too worried but worst-case scenarios keep playing out in my head. My grandmother threw her back out again, she can't seem to get it through her head that even lifting light things in the wrong way can hurt her badly. She refuses to move to a retirement home, even one with tons of freedom and independence. It drives the rest of the family crazy. We want her happy but we want her safe more, and she's not safe right now.

We're not going to Europe this summer, for reasons that I'm not really allowed to discuss. But yeah. That means I get to look for a job. I have no idea where to start. I'm disappointed because I know it would have been amazing, but...unlike a lot of my friends, I don't feel the urge to explore new places and get away from everything I've known for the past almost 18 years. I like this house, where I can walk through it in the dark and not bump into anything. I like my street, where you can look out the window several different times a day and see Barefoot Man walk past: no shoes, often no shirt, and a big dog at his side. I like my bed. It's soft and safe and comfortable. I like Portland. It's big and it has everything I need. I like my friends and my family.

Maybe I'm afraid of the risks involved in seeking out a new life. But I feel so alienated when my friends talk about the DR and Mexico and travelling to exotic places. They want something I can't quite seem to understand.

I want to meet Bryan. He hinted that he might want to meet me, too, and I think we're ready. I'm terrified of telling my parents though. They could potentially have a major freak-out, and like, ban me from the Internet.

Anyway. My wrist hurts, I need to put some ice on it.